Monday, March 21, 2011

I could use some encouragement,and virtual hugs too...

I wasn't going to write about this here, but I feel like venting, so sorry if what I write upsets people.

So, is being a new mom always this hard? I feel like I've died, and will never be happy again! It;s hard to admit this, as I have a new baby, and I'm supposed to be happy, but I don't. I'm tired, and I don't have any time for myself, I smell like milk all the time, and I am just NOT feeling this whole "Motherhood thing"...


I have always said that when God made me he forgot to put in the Mothering instincts...Instead he filled that spot with an extra dose of selfishness! I hate taking care of other people. I hate taking time out of my day to feed my kid....I suck! I know! I feel like....I don't know....like crying all the time, and...I don't know.

I hope you don't think I'm a horrible person for thinking/writing these things, but I was just wondering if any other mothers out there can send me some encouraging words, or if they went through this too, so I know I'm not alone....because that's how I feel...completely and utterly ALONE. Help, please? =(

30 comments:

Michelle-ozark crafter said...

I don't think you are horrible. I understand some women do have trouble like this. So here is a gentle huggle for you.

Laura said...

I have never read your blog before. I came across it on another person's sidebar. It sounds like you may be suffering from postpartum depression. It's fairly common among new mothers. You should probably talk to your ob/gyn. They are familiar with the problem, and will be able to help you. Good luck.

demeter83 said...

I'll admit that I've not had kids yet so I can't say that I've been through what you're going through at the moment, but I've always suspected that I'll feel the same if and when I ever have kids.
I also have no real maternal instinct and my main reaction to kids is fear. It absolutely terrifies me and I don't think that you're a horrible person.
Best of luck chick, is there anyone around you that you can talk to, just because some women don't say it doesn't mean that they've never felt it.

Margaret said...

I went through the same thing with my first child. It IS hard. Don't feel alone. I think sleep deprivation doesn't help one bit either. If you feel you might have post partum depression, you might want to talk to a doctor about it. But yes, I understand how you're feeling. Hang in there. It's all worth it. And you will feel better, and you will be more yourself. It's a long haul and it feels like forever. But they grow up so fast. Seriously. Try to grab little bits of time for yourself if you can. Get those cat naps in. Hugs. I've been there. I know how you're feeling.

mbroider said...

Big hug to you Lana. Motherhood sometimes does that to some of us. You see you have been used to spending you life in a certain way, and all of a sudden here is this new bundle of life to whom you are the sole/chief care and attention giver.

And since your attention toward your child needs to be like 24 by 7, it will be burning you out.

As Laura said, post partum depression is probably what you are going through.

So when your kid is sleeping, you will have to relax or breathe just in those moments.

Keep some music/ books/ puzzles/ crossword handy, so whenever say you are holding your baby and nursing her, you can probably put your mind onto these.

You can also see what kind of support you can get from your husband / family. If you can make them understand, prolly you can try to get some little time to yourself. This will / should refresh you, and you can then go back to your daughter with more energy.

Big hug, sweetie

Take care
Sharmila

Lily Boot said...

Oh Lana - I agree with Laura and mbroider - a very close family member experienced just what you are describing when she had her first baby four years ago. At the time, she felt dreadfully guilty, useless and almost hated her new baby - it was a great shock to us - we just assumed that of course every woman thrived in her sleep-deprived role of the new mother. But this simply isn't true. Those first few weeks - months! - following the birth of a baby are times of immense change - both emotionally and physically and sometimes it can be utterly overwhelming and horrible - like it was for this new mum in our family - and she needed help. Her mum came and stayed for the first four months, they temporarily moved closer to our extended family so that there were plenty of loving and compassionate hands around to share the care of both the baby and the new family, and she sought medical help. This took the form of drug therapy and counseling - both of which lasted a couple of years - and though the road was really hard at times, mum and babe made it through and now, four years on, they are a thriving little family of four (there was no postnatal depression after the second baby) and no damage. Just more understanding and love. I think you would probably benefit from seeking help - start with your doctor - they should have plenty of contacts to refer you too, and talk to someone in your family you feel close to and look together for health services for new mums - they'll be there in your community, you just need a bit of help finding them. This is a time of HUGE change - and you will find your way - it just takes time and help. Take care and remember - you are not awful or abnormal - but you do need to reach out and find help - that's the only way it will get better.

Lee said...

I had similar feelings with my first baby, too. I believe I had a mild case of Postpartum Depression. Luckily it was mild and went away after a few weeks. Then when it happened again with my second baby, I knew what was happening and I could handle it better.

Regardless, it was quite difficult. But you're doing the right thing by reaching out to your friends for support and breaking out of that isolated feeling. Don't be afraid to talk about it to your real life friends and family, too. I was very surprised to know that my mother and aunt suffered after their babies 30+ years ago! And absolutely talk to your doc about it. He or she tell you how common this is and will give you good advice.

natalyK said...

Lana, I am not sure how old your baby is but yes motherhood does feel like that sometimes. It can be lonely because new moms tend to isolate themselves because they are too tired to think about going out. I have 4 boys and never thought I would make it through but it does happen quicker than you think. There are ways to take some time out for yourself and it's okay to do that. If you are feeling overwhelmed get someone to babysit and go out and do something for yourself. Sleep deprivation makes it worse so you need to nap when baby naps. Joining a playgroup or mommy support group helps to make you feel less isolated and it's comforting to know that you are not alone in your thoughts. Please email me if you want to talk further. You are not alone, you just need to reach out.

Hugs!!

Maureen said...

Please don't think you are a horrible person - the one thing that most people don't tell you about motherhood is that sometimes it is a bit crap.. and not all flowers and roses and the most wonderful experience of your life. I wasn't maternal at all before my little ones came along and between sleepless nights and leaky sore boobs you can wonder what has hit you - however this will pass and everyday will become a bit easier. I appreciate how hard it can be when you don't have immediate family support with you. In the meantime I would suggest you speak to your midwife/health visitor or doctor, they will have heard this before, believe me. Take care and big hugs.

jayne@~an eye for threads~ said...

I admire your honesty, and I think that deep down many Mom's would like to say the same. No two people are wired the same so no one else's answer will be your answer but with so many thoughts and comparisons, you can be the judge of what might work for you. I do agree with having music a big part of your lives simply for a relaxing point throughout your days. Oh and they do grow, and they grow very quickly so take it one day at a time, take a second to think of all of the wonderful bloggers out here who are thinking of you and admiring every aspect of your life that you are dealing with, especially your little bundle of joy getting all of the attention, while you are the one holding her. Don't ever forget that, coz yes she is adorable but with your arms around her, supporting her, holding her loving her and nurturing her to be so adorable, she becomes a beautiful human being with a strong backing of love, and no one can ever take that away. In that I hope you feel strength, love and an inner peace.
Be always in stitches.

Amy said...

When you are new mother, it is a big adjustment. It seems like it will go on forever. But it won't! Give into it. Find joy in just rocking that little bundle at 3 a.m. Turn on the radio. It is not what you would have chosen to do but you can find a way to be happy with it. Heal the issues you have by giving as much love and kindness to that new baby. Find the best part of you.

Anna van Schurman said...

It's a difficult transition. I recommend Roszika Parker's Mother Love/Mother Hate which is about maternal ambivalence which sounds a little more likely than PPD. Motherhood is a huge adjustment. It's not easy for anyone. Also, Adrienne Martini (fellow blogger) wrote Hillbilly Gothic about her own PPD. Look for new mother groups in your area so that you can get out and about as well.

Susan said...

I felt that way with both of kids post partum. I think it is somewhat natural-you are exhausted, changing diapers, feeding, and trying to keep up with your life. And you don't get any appreciation from the little one-at least until he/she starts smiling.

However-I did have severe post-partum depression with my last pregnancy. So you should check in with your ob/gyn or your primary care dr. In my case, I had to decide to quit breast feeding and start anti-depressants. Then things got better. Your body is in the middle of a massive hormone shift, and sometimes you just need a little chemical help.

Believe me-it really does get better. The 1st 3 months are always the hardest.

Big hugs!

Cath said...

You are not alone . it is a very hard time , and takes some getting into . Like Laura , I think you may have post natal ddepression , which can be treated so speak to your medical people and get help .
Otherwise , if you have close family and/or firends ask for some help . They could come and stay with you for a while in the day , or take over so you can rest . Either way , if help is there , don't be afraid to accept it.

Hope you start to feel better soon .
Take care X

Anonymous said...

Don't hesitate to share what you are feeling. After my first child was born, I had so many conflicting feelings that I didn't know what to do with myself. Add to the fact that my child had reflux, colic and cried non-stop,we were just one big mess! The days would drag on and I realized that I needed help. I talked with my OB/GYN and they confirmed post-partum depression. Hormones change drastically and cause all sorts of issues, so don't be afraid to discuss this with your doctor. You may be surprised to find some simple solutions that can help you feel better and take charge of your situation. Good luck to you and your little one! It DOES get better - I promise!

Jules said...

Lana-
I haven't actually given birth, but I can somewhat relate to what you are feeling - or feel like you should be feeling but don't. When I was pregnant I asked God to make the decision if I should have that child or not. He graciously decided I wasn't ready to be a mother (I was 23 - that was 1995) and I miscarried her. I didn't have feelings of grief over that loss for a very long time and people thought it was wrong. All I can say to you is to hang in there. God will guide you through these first few months as a new mother. I do agree with the few who have mentioned post-partum and encourage you to seek advice from your doctor. Don't feel like you are a horrible person to have these thoughts as many, if not all, new mothers go through something similar.

Oh, and if you can find an online group for new mom's or a local group, that might help too. I know in our area one of the local networks hosts a "New Mom's" discussion group online. Just to give you an idea, here's the link to the Tampa (my area) group: http://tampabay.momslikeme.com/members/exploregroups.aspx?p=134.

HUGS and good luck! You are gonna be a great mom!

Chocolates4Breakfast (TerriBoog) said...

Lana, I am not a doctor of any sort and am not in any way authorized to give medical advice but, like most of the others here, it sounds like you're suffering from post-partum depression to me. PLEASE call your doctor and ask her about it. She can help. It may also be helpful to find a mothers and infants playgroup to join to help get you up and out for a while.
(((hugs)))

Ralee said...

Girlie, stop beating yourself up. Odds are there's not a woman out here in bloggy world who hasn't felt the same way after that baby came home to stay. No matter how much you love that baby and that man part of you is changed in a forever way and you're thinking what the? You're worn down to a complete nub, this little creature that popped out of you STILL wants a piece of you after nine, count 'em NINE, months. He/She is as helpless as that idiot you're married to for God's sake!! What you are feeling is normal. You've got colliding, rabid hormones doing psycho things in a sleep-deprived body you really don't even recognize as your own. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about your feelings--tell your husband, "Here, chuckles, handle this bundle of joy your loins engendered, I'm taking a nap, bath, stitching, whatever you need, and DON'T let him pass the bundle of joy back for a while. Make time for yourself. The said bundle of joy will grow up and move out and then you'll go all misty eyed and miss him/her. Seems like only yesterday I was in your position, and now my first one is about to be deployed and my second one is in vet school. The house is too quite. You'll live through it. But cut yourself some slack, girlie.Nobody was born with the mommy-gene, that's a load of crap!

Blu Stitcher said...

I don't have children either. But my Niece has a baby and she felt a lot like you. Not sleeping is the worst and seems to bring out what we think is the worst in us. I would also talk to your Dr. about postpartum depression. It takes awhile for your body to get back to normal and that's not easy being a new Mom and all.

*Hugs*

Peggy H. said...

You are absolutely not a horrible person. Being a mother is difficult at times, and especially the first time. I adopted my first and even though we had wanted them for a long time I remember how awful it was at first. I went from working one day and going to school to full-time mother. Some people would just tell me that I asked for it while others were very understanding. First of all, get to your doctor and discuss it with him ASAP. You probably have postpartum depression. Second, make sure you make a little time for yourself. Ask a neighbor or family member to give you a little breather. If you get to a point where you feel desperate get help immediately. Don't try to do it alone. Third, spend some time with other mothers where you can talk about those things, maybe a group of women in your church, or other stitchers like you are doing. Third, look forward to the time when they will become little people. Your baby will begin to develop his/her own personality within just a few short weeks and months and then you will start to feel the real joy of being a mother. It is a difficult job, but so much fun along the way as well. I am a very selfish person and have always found time to do some little thing that I wanted to do and I think my children have survied just fine. Hang in there and keep in touch. Whatever you do, don't keep it bottled up.

You might be able to find some help online as well. There are many blogs out there for mothers. Start with this one and go from there. You will feel these things soon, I promise.
http://www.mormonmommyblogs.com/2010/11/motherhood-not-like-i-imagined.html

God bless....

Big Hugs!!!

Peggy H.
www.neverenoughstash.blogspot.com

Peggy H. said...

I sent you a huge long note a couple of hours ago, but it is not showing up here. Hope you received it. :o( Just checking up with you again to see if you are feeling any better. It does get better. I promise!

Peggy H.
www.neverenoughstash.blogspot.com

GoldenAngelsWorks said...

Take it easy.
You are not a horrible person/mother.
We all go through that at one time or another.
Even those of us that have strong mother instinct go through it. When you are a first time mom it is always difficult to make the switch from taking care of yourself and doing what you want to being responsible for another person.
I would suggest talking to the dr about the depression... never hurts to get a professional opinion.
I would definitely reach out to hubby and other family members for a little help.

(((HUGS)))

Meredith said...

Hugs Lana

Virpi said...

I know how you feel so BIG HUG to you. If you are feeling longer like that please go to the doctor. Believe me babies are small so little moment that I don't want you to miss the possiblity to enjoy that.

Carol said...

Oh, Lana, I suffered from postpartum depression with my firstborn, too. Only, back then (in the early 80s) it wasn't talked about much. My husband's love and support pulled me through it and I was fine after the births of my other two...

Please know that your feelings aren't abnormal for many suffering from PPD--talk to your doctor, other young mothers, and try to get some extra rest...Things will look brighter one day and all of a sudden you will be your old self again... Hugs to you!

Margaret said...

You're definitely not alone. I believe that you're suffering postpartum depression also. Getting some help, getting into a group with other mothers of infants will help tremendously. Call your doctor's office, church, community groups to find a group that will work for you. There's power in numbers and to hear firsthand that you aren't alone will be your first step to enjoying your baby and motherhood. Find joy in the little things whenever and wherever you can. Big hugs to you!

Inked Eskimo said...

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said. I've known you for like 100 years though and you are NOT a horrible person. You're lovely! Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs. I hope you can get out and do something really fun soon!

Stressed Stitchy Mum said...

as most people on here have said it does sound like a dose of what my mum calls the "baby blues" its done to your hormones going crazy from being pregnant to giving birth to going without sleep whilst trying to get you and baby (plus household) into a new routine.

i suffered with my first baby too 12 years ago and the i spoke with my gp and health visitor. i was told it was completely natural and that the majority of mum's will have it to some degree some worse than others. i didn't need any tablets to help things stabilise but what i found extremely useful when i had baby 2 and 3 years later was to get baby into a better sleep pattern real quick as the lack of sleep doesn't help. if we had a bad night i'd have a quick snooze when baby did which then helped to get me through. my "baby blues" lasted a couple of months and did get better as baby started to sleep and feed better; had a small relapse when baby number 1 got colic at 5mths old and would scream his lungs out for hours then let out one almighty burp or wind then would promptly fall asleep while i was stood there completely frazzled and hanging on by a thread. xxxxx

Lynn said...

First off, you are not a horrible person. You are honestly expressing what many of us felt when we became new mothers. I also feel you might be experiencing some post partum blues which you should speak about to your doctor.
Motherhood is extremely hard and no one really prepares us for it. I didn't have any family close to me so I was winging it on my own.
Right now that little one is like a parasite, totally dependant on you and occupying all your time. These days will pass though and as your child starts to grow and interact more with you things will get better and will be more rewarding. It's normal to feel like you've lost a piece of yourself. I never felt I was cut out to be a Mom but it has ended up being an incredible journey.
Try to take as much time for yourself as you can when baby is resting.
Lots of hugs are being sent your way.

Jennifer Burch said...

Oh girl, I am so sorry.. I just saw where you wrote this. I wish I was there to help. I felt the same after Dawson was born, it gets better believe me esp after she starts sleeping through the night. I was a walking zombie and cried all the time!!! Just stick that in your head.. IT WILL GET BETTER, believe me.. it will. Love you.